The Big 3: Fear, Guilt, and Shame

By Don W.

I spent a lot of time running into brick walls both professionally and personally. It seems I developed habits in my dysfunctional family of origin which carries over into my adult life. These were habits which protected me as a child but no longer worked for me in the adult world.

Fortunately I found ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics and other Dysfunctional Families) and learned to let go of the past and learn to love myself. I realized I judged myself harshly and carried guilt and shame. I mind-raced over traumatic events in my life reliving the pain each time I did so. I learned I did this because this was what was comfortable and familiar in my childhood.

I often wondered why I blew up at my spouse when I told myself not to. I tried to control my temper until one little resentment turned into a volcano of upset. I learned that I had expectations that weren't met and turned into these resentments.

I reacted to situations instead of thinking it over and planning a reasonable reply, thus giving others my power. I learned that reacting to a situation often put me into doing things without thinking them out, leaving me with a mess to cleanup afterward.

These are just a few of the things I had to deal with to learn to love myself. In truth, I had to do a paradigm shift, re-inventing myself by replacing behaviors that no longer worked for me, with new behaviors that helped me find happiness.

By learning to love myself enough to make these changes, I was able to let go of the emotional pain brought on by my BIG 3: Fear, Guilt, and Shame.

I will share some of the affirmations I used to overcome some of my child-like behaviors below, but if you can identify with any of this, I would recommend you go to the ACA Website and look up the 14 Traits of an Adult Child to see if you identify. https://adultchildren.org/

https://adultchildren.org/

ACA is a twelve-step program that offers the tools for helping each individual to find their own path to recovery for those who have been abused emotionally, verbally, and physically during their childhood and is the best thing I've ever found in my life.

Below are some of the affirmations I designed to help me replace behaviors which no longer worked for me with new behaviors which do work:

AFFIRMATIONS

Inner Critique: I am doing the best I can with the awareness I have today. (Or) I did the best I could with the awareness I had then. I have a new awareness today and in six months I will have a different awareness and I will be doing the best I can with that awareness.
Self Criticism: When I judge or criticize others, I am rehearsing/practicing to judge and criticize myself.
Judging others: They are doing the best they can with the awareness they have today too.
Mind Racing: I do this because it feels comfortable/ it’s something I grew up with. It also gives me a shame hit. The other payoff is, it takes me out of the present so I don’t have to deal with my feelings or present issues. God please take this behavior from me. It hurts too much and I don’t want to do it anymore.
Control: The only person I have control over is myself. I truly have no control over others. The only thing I can do is to model my new behavior for others.
When I attempt to control my adult children’s actions or take care of them, I am not allowing them to grow and move on with their adult life. I am being selfish.
Codependency: Am I doing it to truly help someone, or is there a payoff for me and my ego.
Expectations are a resentment waiting to happen. I can have no expectations of another person except to act as themselves. And if I don’t express/verbalize my needs I can’t expect others to read my mind or meet my needs.
Reacting: When I react to others, I give my power over to them. I want to keep my power. God please give me the awareness not to react to others, nor to read their minds.
Fixing Others in Recovery: Everyone has to travel their own path, and I can’t tell them how to do it. When I focus on others, I avoid working on my own recovery.
Feeling stuck in Recovery: 1. Am I attending enough ACAS meetings? 2. Am I reading the ACA text and other literature? 3. Am I actively working the steps? 4. Am I talking to my higher power and asking for awareness? 5. Am I reaching out for help (picking up the 1,000 pound telephone)?
Finding Humility: Try praying on your knees to God or your higher power every day for 30 days to remind yourself to be humble and who really is powerless. God you are strong and I am weak. Please help me, or lend me some of your strength. I do a gratitude list to God as I know him in the formk of a prayer every night at bedtime.
Awareness: God Please take a special Interest in my recovery. Give me awareness on my issue, willingness to see where you guide me and the courage to act on it. Please be by my side reminding me I am not alone or abandoned as you are with me.
Am I a Victim or a Volunteer? Am I a victim or a volunteer when the world seems to be closing in on me? Am I playing out the victim role from my childhood or is some one really victimizing me. God, Please take my victimization script and remind me I have a choice and I can be happy if I am in the present and not feeling sorry for myself.

Guilt Free Zone

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Sunday, January 12, 2020

The Big 3: Fear, Guilt, and Shame

By Don W.

I spent a lot of time running into brick walls both professionally and personally. It seems I developed habits in my dysfunctional family of origin which carries over into my adult life. These were habits which protected me as a child but no longer worked for me in the adult world.

I often wondered why I blew up at my spouse when I told myself not to. I tried to control my temper until one little resentment turned into a volcano of upset. I learned that I had expectations that weren't met and turned into these resentments.

I reacted to situations instead of thinking it over and planning a reasonable reply, thus giving others my power. I learned that reacting to a situation often put me into doing things without thinking them out, leaving me with a mess to cleanup afterward.

These are just a few of the things I had to deal with to learn to love myself. In truth, I had to do a paradigm shift, re-inventing myself by replacing behaviors that no longer worked for me, with new behaviors that helped me find happiness.

By learning to love myself enough to make these changes, I was able to let go of the emotional pain brought on by my BIG 3: Fear, Guilt, and Shame.

I will share some of the affirmations I used to overcome some of my child-like behaviors below, but if you can identify with any of this, I would recommend you go to the ACA Website and look up the 14 Traits of an Adult Child to see if you identify. https://adultchildren.org/

https://adultchildren.org/

ACA is a twelve-step program that offers the tools for helping each individual to find their own path to recovery for those who have been abused emotionally, verbally, and physically during their childhood and is the best thing I've ever found in my life.

Below are some of the affirmations I designed to help me replace behaviors which no longer worked for me with new behaviors which do work:

Inner Critique: I am doing the best I can with the awareness I have today. (Or) I did the best I could with the awareness I had then. I have a new awareness today and in six months I will have a different awareness and I will be doing the best I can with that awareness.

Self Criticism: When I judge or criticize others, I am rehearsing/practicing to judge and criticize myself.

Judging others: They are doing the best they can with the awareness they have today too.

Control: The only person I have control over is myself. I truly have no control over others. The only thing I can do is to model my new behavior for others.

When I attempt to control my adult children’s actions or take care of them, I am not allowing them to grow and move on with their adult life. I am being selfish.

Codependency: Am I doing it to truly help someone, or is there a payoff for me and my ego.

Expectations are a resentment waiting to happen. I can have no expectations of another person except to act as themselves. And if I don’t express/verbalize my needs I can’t expect others to read my mind or meet my needs.

Reacting: When I react to others, I give my power over to them. I want to keep my power. God please give me the awareness not to react to others, nor to read their minds.

Fixing Others in Recovery: Everyone has to travel their own path, and I can’t tell them how to do it. When I focus on others, I avoid working on my own recovery.

Feeling stuck in Recovery: 1. Am I attending enough ACAS meetings? 2. Am I reading the ACA text and other literature? 3. Am I actively working the steps? 4. Am I talking to my higher power and asking for awareness? 5. Am I reaching out for help (picking up the 1,000 pound telephone)?

Awareness: God Please take a special Interest in my recovery. Give me awareness on my issue, willingness to see where you guide me and the courage to act on it. Please be by my side reminding me I am not alone or abandoned as you are with me.