Setting Boundaries

How I learned to Set Boundaries With Hurtful People

By Don W.

It was not easy for  me to set boundaries. I put it as one of the last character traits I wanted to work on.

Why? Fear of confrontation.  If someone confronts me they might find out I’m a bad person, that I have faults. The shame might kill me. I had to learn to love myself before I could feel good enough about myself to stick up for myself. That was me. Part of loving myself was being able to set a boundary, however.

I had to develop affirmations that I was good enough before I could think about dealing with confrontation. I also learned I had this defect of reacting to what other people said.  I did this to head off any criticism that might be aimed at me.

I learned that if I react to someone else, I’m giving all my power over to them.

One day, after I spent a lot of time learning to love myself, saying a lot of affirmations that I AM Good Enough. That I’m just as good as anyone else, not worse, not better. That I’m doing the best I can with the Awareness I have Today, and that’s Okay. In six months I might have a different awareness, and that will be okay too. (This is a journey, isn’t it)

Anyway, one day something happened and I felt I had to set a boundary. If I didn’t, I was giving someone permission to tell me I wasn’t good enough, and I’d spent too much time and effort to prove to myself I AM Good Enough. By letting this person tell me, I’m stupid, I am slipping backward.

It happened at work. I deliver bread, and a client told I was stupid because I didn’t stack the bread the way he told me to.

I DIDN’T REACT! I thought about it and decided to talk to my boss. I told him that this person was putting me down and I wanted to set a boundary with him. My boss supported me and said to go ahead.

I went back to this person the next day, and he started in again telling me not to put the crates in a certain spot on the floor. I told him, he hadn’t let me finish stacking the bread and I set it down because it was heavy. I also told him I would appreciate it, if he would not talk to me like that, not call me stupid.

He reacted and began giving me excuses for his behavior. I told him those were his issues, my issue was for him to treat me with respect. To treat me like he would want to be treated.

He reacted again, saying hurtful things.

I said, "We can do this one of two ways. You can treat me with respect, and I will bring your bread in and stack it the way you want me to.  Or, I will bring it in and drop the baskets on the floor and you can put it away, and we just won't talk to each other."

He agreed to respect me, but then followed with a sarcastic response, that I was being kind of a baby, if I couldn’t deal with a little criticism. I told him that goes for sarcasm too. No sarcasm.

"Can you do that? Treat me with the same respect you would want me to treat you?"

He said fine, and we got along fine after that.

Afterwards, I had to deal with my own personal issue, guilt. I started second-guessing myself, feeling guilty. Then I went over the scene in my mind and asked myself: 

• Was I fair with him and honest with my feelings? Yes   
•  Did I honestly state my needs without attacking? Yes   
•  Did I have a part in this situation? Was part of the issue something I needed to correct? No
• Did I avoid reacting to his jibes and other defensive reactions? Yes

Then I don’t have to feel guilty.

If any of my answers were contrary, then I needed to make an amends to the person, and let them know I am willing to correct my behavior too.

A Quick and Easy Checklist for setting Boundaries 

 

Setting boundaries:

a.               Don’t React. Take some time and think about the situation. How would I like to handle it. Plan it out. Practice it in my mind, or role play with someone if I feel comfortable doing that.

b.               Be honest and fair with the person. Don’t start out by criticizing the person. State what they did and why that is unacceptable.

c.                State my needs fairly and honestly.

d.               Make sure I am accountable for my part, if any, and admit and tell how I plan to correct my behavior.

e.               Don’t React: If the person argues, becomes defensive and yells, or talks about something I have done, say:  I’m sorry, but that is your issue. My issue is: restate it.

f.                 Repeat  if necessary and ask, Can you respect my wish?

g.               When guilt feelings enter, ask myself: Was I fair and honest with the other person? Did I act and not react? Am I taking care of myself? If so, I don’t have to take the guilt. I can give it over to my higher power, knowing I have done nothing wrong.

h.               If the issue is not resolved, I know that I stood up for myself, and the other person knows it too and, hopefully will think twice about crossing my boundary in the future. If not, I can either restate my boundary, or end the relationship.